To Kitsch, or Not to Kitsch

I discovered recently there exists a bathroom in Portland, Oregon that was up for best restaurant bathroom nationally.  It was a disco theme, so after driving 35 miles to have a waffle with goat cheese and an over easy egg on top, I entered to find the light switch labelled as follows: Light, No Light, Disco. Well, no question, I instantaneously hit Disco upon which “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor kicked in along with a variety of colorful spinning disco lights as the room grew dark. I was there, so I distributed a few classic Deney Terrio dance moves before snapping a pic or two (pictured below) for my memory file. Now kitsch isn’t my main hobby in life, but perhaps my most unusual one. Armed with an idea for what is kitsch-able, I will not drive out of my way to see certain items, but rely on random chance alone. These have included, Harvey, the giant Muffler Rabbit in Aloha, Oregon, the world’s largest ball of twine in Kansas, and the world’s largest spoon in East Glacier, Montana. BUT, I will go out of my way for kitsch if it is creative, unusual, or thought provoking. Therefore, I have driven to see the Elvis Museum in Portland, walked a mile to see the Black Madonna in Prague, and gone out of my way to see Coral Castle in Florida. If you need a little more imagination in your world visit roadsideamerica.com 

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3’s Going Rogue

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Is anyone else sick and tired of these undisciplined 3’s floating randomly over our wheat fields? Enough is enough I say, it’s high time Congress acted to regulate this trouble maker back into the number line where it belongs! 1 + 2 , you should be ashamed of yourselves for not properly parenting your sum.

 

Dog versus cut-out

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Ok, this morning marks time four my dog has walked by a metal cut-out shaped like a cat and charged with fury and fire in his eyes. The cut-out is placed right next to a bus pick up station which I’m sure was placed there to increase business at the local hospital for all the arms pulled out of socket by infuriated dogs. What is curious though, is that my normally intelligent dog Barley has failed to learn anything after four charges. This begs the question, are dogs poor learners or just hate cats so much that 100 false alarms are worth that one time it’s a real cat? I don’t know.

Fresh Eggs Rule

The best community development since the tiny library is the trend of city people raising chickens to sell their eggs for extra cash. These are often found in small wooden coolers in front of their homes. Today I came across the “Happy Hen” egg box (pictured) while walking my dog this morning. I happily paid the $4 for a dozen fresh eggs and I’m looking forward to a morning omelette.

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Doubtful as to nuclear preparedness

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So I get a call from an LA friend last night who wants to talk about the inevitability of nuclear war based on news stories this week concerning troubles with Syria, Russia, and North Korea. She went on to say, and I quote, “A lot of people would get blown up in a nuclear exchange and we’d probably lose cell service.” Oh Dear Lord! Not cell service! Oh the HORROR! I could handle getting our bodies flayed in under a tenth of a second, but take away our cell service, and I cannot even imagine the barbarity! Curse you Mr. Putin and your obvious den of vile demons!

It just goes to show that we have come to be so distracted by tweets and surfing bulldogs on our nightly news that we’ve completely lost our perspective on the real nightmare a nuclear war might entail. We laugh at all those news reels from the 1950’s where children frantically duck and cover in spite of the fact a school desk would offer as much protection against nuclear bombs as a wet paper bag would against an AR-15. But all that hysteria DID create a fear proportional to the level of destruction we would have faced as a nation. I’m not sure I have the answer here, but I do know consume and cower will be equally futile in the 21st century.

 

Unknown traveller

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I’ve been going to the Pacific Coast since I could walk so imagine my surprise when I found the beach littered with these strange aquatic creatures (pictured) that I’d never seen before. It turns out they were a variety of jellyfish called, “By the Wind Sailors,” as told to me by a passing dog walker. There must have been a thousand of these things looking like shell-less clams with a single translucent sail raised upright on their backs. The truly odd thing though, was this is perhaps the first thing EVER I’ve seen wash up onto a beach that neither dog nor sea gull seemed to have the slightest inclination toward eating. All I can figure is By the Wind Sailors must be the uncooked pizza dough of the world’s oceans.

 

The Age Barrier

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There are times in life you catch yourself being so ridiculously cautious that all you can really do is laugh at yourself. Take this morning as I walked down an Oregon beach yards from the roaring waves of the Pacific. Everyone over the age of 50 was absolutely stopped and thwarted by two inches of water flowing off a nearby marsh that criss-crossed in a ribbon pattern twenty feet wide. My six year old self would have charged into that water without a seconds hesitation enjoying every second. So what changed so drastically in 2018 that every adult (pictured) seemed so baffled by a fifth rate obstacle? Especially since I can almost guarantee half of the people stopping to turn around probably paid hundreds of dollars to participate in a muddy Spartan race the previous summer.

So here is my pathetic list of why I chose to cross on a log further up stream:

  1. Wet shoes are sand magnets, which after drying in the car from the heater being cranked will drop to the floor in waves creating a clean up hassle.
  2. Most humans hate looking like idiots in front of their peers. There was a high slip factor on the mushy flat that could easily result in an America’s Funniest Home Videos face plant into the water. Ugh.
  3.  Older people have all been around long enough to experience the pain of at least one physical feat fail in their athletic career ending in injury. For me, I tore my calf muscle significantly the year before sprinting for a college video assignment. That month on crutches sucked, and I have no plans to repeat it in the name of pride.
  4. It’s way more fun watching our dogs wrestle each other in the water while socializing rather than sinking in quick sand.

We are unfortunately reasonable beings that really just need to take our damn shoes off and get back in the game. Sheesh.

 

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