Digestive Jump Rope

 I had a burger today. Not your run-of-the-mill burger with a thin slice of beef swimming on a giant bun, but a full on burger; one dripping with beef fat, cheese, and ten other slithering ingredients fighting for a spot on Mount Heart Attack. I’m not one for fast food much these days, since middle age brings its own set of stomach challenges that come with a poor food choice. I’ve long since put my college days of eating a whole pizza in one sitting behind me, and salad has come to dominate my menu options.

 Recently, however, I was involved in an event that required local business sponsorships in a campaign for keeping kids in school until graduation. As part of my association with these businesses, I made it a part of my routine to stop by their places and use their products to help establish a relationship. Eventually, this led me into a burger joint where the owner insisted I try the special of the house as part of my visit. I reminisced about boyhood trips to McDonald’s as he fried it up – when fast food trips were made as a family no more than a once a month – a special treat. As classic 60’s tunes played, I ate my double beef patty with a smile – until every last bite was gone and I felt like a football stuffed with haggis.

It was at this point that lunchtime signaled the transition in my day. Suddenly, I went from normal office functioning to a state where beef fat filled my veins and sent me into a tailspin of misery. The three flights of stairs to my office were a journey most days on a good day, but now I struggled for breath by step ten. I gasped and desperately pulled at the rail like a rusty cable car. I developed a headache, then a disoriented state of bleh, culminating in a pounding headrush that blurred my vision and challenged my sense of balance. I leaned back in my office chair, close to passing out, and attempted to type a few unfinished e-mails while staring at the ceiling.

How I made it through the rest of the day should classify as a task of Hercules. I’m not too keen on reminiscing again anytime soon.





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